Life is awesome. It's still awesome when my throat is choked with disappointment. It's still awesome when boredom overcasts the long slow weeks. It's still awesome when I'm tired of seeing it from the rearview mirror. I may sometimes wants to breakout from my timid self, unleash the angry beast in me, call people names under my breath, or, even intimidate them with my momentarily cold, ingorance self. No matter what happen, I perfectly know, things're gonna be fine.
Looking back to those years behind my self-denial [sexual orientation] and phases of self-reconciliation, another years of mistakes and realizations, I know myself better. The weaknesses are overwhelming. Boy, did you ever learn?
Let's start all over again.
Yes, there has never been considerably great efforts. It's as if I had buried my own good self and fighting spirit, or, had totally ignored them and took a sudden turn in the pit stop; a dead-end results came in force.
I stupidly wished any miracle will take place. Hope I'd meet great personalities along the way. Offered myself more times that I was supposed to. None of them Happened, ever.
I changed the way to see people, adjusted my own standards and boundaries yet I know I'm not a better person than others, and will never look myself superior.
It's only ten days before I leave this town, bit adieu to what i even have considered restraining past, and start all new life in Bali. I'm no longer scared, much less nauseated with the idea of stranded, hard to find a good job, lonely, or, worst of all, lost it again. This change will do me good though it will come with a price, if not risks. And i'm abosolutely with the concept of Proceed at Your Own Risk.
I am grateful for the best and worst things that had happened. I am much more grateful for the encouraging hearts and generous hands of friends and all. The closer the Departure date is, the more couragious my heart...
Love.
Another department in my personal life where I've been a looser, in some way.
No, no need to justify what i did and should've done.
The lamest yet best thing i can say without any entention to defend my so-called pride is: "I'm learning to be wiser."
Sorry and thank you for everything.
