Saturday, January 22, 2011

Fucking Perfect

What's it going to be when it does not feel that frightful anymore?

When changes come after a considerably significant event took place in unexpected moments, I take a few moments to take it all in, silently. Avoid the distractions the world has to offer, collect the necessary facts and factors, decipher the whole possible unspoken/unwritten/buried details that might have been kept from me on purpose.
And most of all, try to see it and the related issues from two sides. Who do I feel and how s/he might feel, what's my loss would be, what his/hers.
Before I foolishly let myself carried away with unworthy sentiment, I write them all down in Black and Red...avoid justifying myself.

Had unpleasant feeling last night, been sensing something is not right but I kept a straight face, hoped for the better, if best would overlap the optimism I'm trying to build up in this exciting new year.

Then the morning comes, I wide awake in the half-deserted bed with a loud heart beat. Let myself laid on my back and memorized the whole room, the bicycles that neatly stand close to the left corner of the wide opened sliding door. A kick could smash them door easily, I thought to myself.
I  crawled on the bed to reach down the almost empty bottle of water and drank it up. Kept my breathe  in a good pace. Took my right hand from my stomach, laid it on my chest, counting the seconds.

It still felt wrong.

But the weather was so delightful. A cheerful sun and bright sky, a choir of singing chickens, the humming of the water pump from the small hotel next door. And the fact that it is another Saturday morning somehow remind me there's should be nothing can make me feel bad for anything.

I stripped off the thinning curiosity as I jumped from the bed and stood in my wrinkled underwear, made up the bed and sat down on the edge of it, clicked on my inbox: Alright!

There you have it, i said under my breath as my eyes followed the few lines.

'Alright,' I said for the second time in the last ten seconds, read the message a few more times although I completely understand its message. I read it again, this time stop at every sentence, read it aloud in my mind while tried to analyzed my real reaction to it.

Don't quite know why but the song below suddenly roaming its tunes in my head. Maybe I Googled the just released video alot a few days ago.

And it has no correlation to what I have in mind regarding the message and what it implies.

I said nothing but another 'Alright' and went downstairs to hit the shower.

Skipped the breakfast simply because there was nothing much to eat. I took the powder milk and drank a small glass of warm milk, tried to keep my head catching up with the weekend mood.

It came when I was silently sitting in the backseat of the scooter, 'Why am I not consummated with the usual anxiety?'

What's gonna happen next now that I finally have the strength & will to say, 'I am accepting the reality and taking myself into the very present of the situation, ready for whatever consequences will be!'

I find comfort inside and I shall start from there.

As bitter as it might gets, I got love and passion that go well-deservedly to each of them.  Shall there be a good bye, they will be a part of my wonderful past I'd recall with a warm feeling that washes over my heart.

And for now, I'm about to leave the office and will take a comfortable sitting position on the table outside the bedroom, cheer me up with some singing, beers, and the possible rain that I will surely celebrate with smiles.