Being Awesome

So tell me what you want to hear
Something that were like those years
Sick of all the insincere
So I'm gonna give all my secrets away
This time, don't need another perfect line
Don't care if critics never jump in line
I'm gonna give all my secrets away

Being awesome.

I don't really know what does it even mean, but if it means I should never cross the line of what being considered as appropriate by them, though it is not easy, whatsoever, I will submit myself into such unfavorable changes.

Maybe it is for everyone's interest...

I find it hard to unload the chants from my chest to them, much less to spill out a sincere gratification, forget about a cry of sorrow.

Consequently, I am loosing all the  remaining withering interest and enthusiasm for what is going on in the world around me.  The long line of random wishes no longer can hold my attention. 

When you come to the point where you question yourself again what keep you from moving forward, from leaving all behind and brace yourself for another long unpredictable journey, from making a bold or hysterical self-approval for something...you are in much need of a break drugs alcohol sleepless night good company.

I am not in a mood for making a new instant acquaitance with a total stranger. The relationship might will only last at a coffee table, or bed. Or on the second conversation online.

The few good-hearted men are either taken, trapped in a helpless relationship, dead, 12-hour flight away, or cannot speak English.

Yet, I am not desperately in a need of new friends. 

Maybe not.

When the much favorable Classical music makes me rather restless at night...and the silence becomes too loud, the roommate who sleeps next to me either wrapped most of the blanket to himself or snored his nose away, when I lose the delight from eating food I like, when I simply loose my interest in anything in life itself...I'd run to the shower room, try to catch my breath under the overwhelming streams of thoughts, feelings, and the cold water. Stay there for a while until I surrender to the coldness of the whole circumstances, chanting the only consolation hymn I always carry on in my heart, 

Hillsong - Still download

found at bomb-mp3 search engine

I always find a solitude comfort by singing that few lines. My voice will shake and the funny noise will come from my nose...the silly stream of blatant hurt and sadness from my eyes...the silent confession of being a weak broken man that is myself... I shamelessly run seeking a minute of comfort from someone I always rely on.

A reason to believe that I will be fine, a reason to believe I will get the chance to meet some good men along the way, a reason to believe my imperfection makes me accept people's flaws, or simply ignore the flaws them. A reason for me to be true to myself and to breathe. A reason to put on a smile while burying those piles of secrets.

A reason to keep on believing in Him, in myself, in the process of living the life itself, I find in Him. 

Maybe I haven't found the right purpose of keep on doing what I've been working on, maybe my hands are still trying to reach out the something strong to hold on, maybe the job, the people, the circumstances I am living in are not what I'm destined to. Maybe what I have been asking  to God are not what I necessarily need. 

I haven't figured them all out yet. I am giving myself more chances to experience, explore, embrace the life  and all of its possibilities. It is exhausting sometimes but I am happy to say, 'Bring it on!'