The thoughts of you always give me a moment of excitement and deep happiness. I become a child begging for more, a grown-up looking for more of you; a man with all the symptoms of being in love.
The plan's slightly changed--by you, of course, and I have no idea how long I would be able to stay with you: to explore more of your personality, your perspective on everything, and most of all, to talk about us and where we're heading for.
I have no intention to justify how childish I became last nite. You called it me being selfish which might be the correct word for that. Sorry, I didnt mean to be such a pain in the ass on the phone.
And I had never meant to be selfish. I perfectly you our upcoming meeting would depend on your workload, on your family's Indonesian gathering which you've got to attend, and on many other things. I understand I wasn't supposed to be sad and disappointed if you change date and the duration of our stay together. I should've even done that in the first place, I know.
Indeed, it sucks, being separated this far. But I want you to know that I dont sweat that. Everytime I miss you, I know I should keep my hands from doing stupid things and keep my head up right and get myself busy. I can deal with it, trust me. I just need a little bit more time to adjust myself to it and see the good side: I dont need to take a shower before go to bed. LOL
"No regrets?" you asked me, "Are you still afraid?"
I said No at all. The real answer I still find true to my my heart.
You know what? Sometimes I wish you were one of them whom you called typical gays; shower each other with stupid, even, unrealistic promises. You are not that kind of person and in so many ways, i'm glad of that. As if we were a last-year univ student, you always, constantly, ask me am I sure about this, about us, about our plans. You take me to the discussion room and get me talking, not only listening about what we should concern about, what's at risk, and, as if it was a case, you ask me to 'review' and study our relationship thoroughly. And I like it. Appreciate being taken seriously with respect and affection.
I'm okay with your give-us-more-time-to-know-each-other policies. Don't get me wrong, this is a real wise decision, although sometimes I wish you would just take me into your arms and said,"Hell with it, I love you!" No, you are special, you know it well that Relationship is not only our favorite word, a shared goal of us, but it is also a bit complicated word with so many tasks and homeworks, it takes time, like you said, to decide this is what suits us the most.
And let me tell you this; I'm giving you both of my hands, set my mind on it, and get my heart wide open for it. And no matter how long you think we need in order to reach the perfect time to make decision, I am more than patient. Trust me.
I'm willing to learn.
You said you dont know me that well. That's true. We'd only spent a few days together in Bali. You said you dont know how I will handle my emotions, how I will face jealousy, prejudice, unproven he-said-she-said. You dont know how I'll face problems and how good I will at it, how I handle them.
You said you dont know much about me and we need to get the perfect understanding about each others' personality. I agree with you.
By the way, I want to set the record straight. Just in case you might think I'm jealous.
Personally and honestly, I understand your decision want to see him in Jakarta and sit down and talk with him. I like the way to handle the issue. No jealousy for this at all. I even love that plan of yours, you treat people well. So, I hope it's clear now that I'm OK with that.
I'm glad that you're not looking for perfection. I'm glad you take my lack of this and that, and even take it as well. This thing, this love that I have for you is so precious that I promise you I will take one careful thoughtful step at a time and not to make any stupid mistake and decision.
I know you've heard it way too often, but lemme tell you this again: thanks for taking chances to know me, then to accept me and embrace the real me. Thanks for loving me back. Thanks for being my Guru in life. Thanks for the acceptance. Thanks for everything.
I can't wait to see you very soon.
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