I'm heading back hometown for a few days..will be away from the computer.

The flowers cut and brought inside
Black cars in a single line
Your family in suits and ties
And you're free

The ache I feel inside
Is where the life has left your eyes
I'm alone for our last goodbye
But you're free

I remember you like yesterday
Yesterday
I still can't believe you're gone
Oh I remember you like yesterday
Yesterday
And until I'm with you, I carry on

Adrift on your ocean floor
I feel weightless numb and sore
A part of you and me is torn
You're free

I woke from a dream last night
I dreamt that you were by my side
Reminding me I still had life
In me

I remember you like yesterday
Yesterday
I still can't believe you're gone
Oh I remember you like yesterday
Yesterday
And until I'm with you, I carry on

I'll carry on, I'll carry on

Every lament is a love song
Yesterday, yesterday
I still can't believe you're gone

Every lament is a love song
Yesterday, yesterday

So long my friend, so long

"Can you help me with the bank draft and all for my new Visa application?" Tommi asked me as he lied down next to me on the floor, facing the TV displaying the Jazz MP3 playlist, "Oh sorry. Are you tryna get some sleep?"

"No. It's OK. I'm just...chilling out, or whatev," I sat up, tried to smile at him, "YOu want me to get you the bank draft thing and all? When do you want to re-apply?"

"Next week," he said, "Well, only if you dont mind to."

I said It's OK but then I looked up at the small callendar on the TV, "I'm going to visit my family this 26..." I fell silent, then went panicked, "Shiz!! That's tomorrow?!! I dont even tell Al about this!!"

"Then you can't help me," he said with that inconvenient look.

I need to see my family first then other things will be handled with care later on. I said I'm sorry.
It was kind of sunny this afternoon but the world turns gloomy later after four. Swandi has just returned from his four-day visit in Jakarta, "It was great. The interview and all," he said.

"Damnit!"

"Sorry," I said then we bursted into laughters, Swandi and I. He bought two straight porn discs and the player cannot read the disc.

"Why on earth did you buy straight porn? We dont like pussy, remember?" I teased him. HE was too embarassed to find what he wanted to buy.

Porn on Sat. Aint that pathetic? Hahahaha

It's been a nice week and I'm looking forward the end of Nov, my Bali second trip.

I Ain't a KID

Maybe I was in hangover from the unspoken betrayal feelings...I talked in language you cannot comprehend...and the dark soon covered the embedded emotions that I've been showing in full hesitation.

My darn age has always been an issue to you, love...my facial hair always overshadows your little assurance of my ability to entertain the doubts in your heart...I am a bit lost now..

Will i change when you say you love me more than I do? Will I act out of childish curiosity and immature love?

You've been questioning am I the best one for you even if you heart knows the answer is impossibly wrong.

And now it's my turn to question what I'm feeling about you...it's my turn to determine the two: reality and possibility...This love hurts...the more I try to be strong the weaker my faith in my doubts about you.

I simply love you so darn much that it is too hard to ignore you...maybe you need time to believe that I am better than you think...maybe you need time to decide to take me or leave me...and you are starting to loose the time, love...because I'm starting to pack up my scattered emotions.

MUSIC PLAYER ON THE BLOG

I added the Lounge music player on the blog. Take a listen and get the cozy atmosphere... or click on www.disappointinglybeautiful.blogspot.com if you read this post from my Facebook. Of course you can't listen to it from Facebook.

Open Letter

This one goes to MJ:
I dunno how big the mistakes I've made. I've gotta admit I have no idea how bad I hurt your feelings and made your life become much more complicated. Or, did I? Tell me what I need to know, scream it at my open ears. So I know what to do. Beg you for more forgiveness or take a step backward and bit you adieu.

You cant miss this message but you are freely to ignore this. I do care about you.

These cuties are Cumming soon!

AVENGED SEVENFOLD Tennis Indoor Senayan. Wednesday, 22 October 2008
Oh dude, wish I could see them!!

sweeeet

Song lyrics | Spotlight lyrics

October 18, 2008 am

I had numbers of nightmare last nite and I blame it on the Jazz that has been filling the dark room since I threw myself onto the bed last nite. On my second thought, I guess it was coming from my cigarrette-filled black tee I wore to the net cafe. I did toss and turn and my over-workaholic brain dragged me to boxes of childhood recollections, family portraits, and there were just too many bouguet of thoughts of my recent life. The next thing was that I found myself lost in deserted dreamland...uninvited. I woke up at three in the morning...sweaty as hell and weakened by the lights coming from the TV showing the playlist of the Jazz MP3. My blindfold Servaas brough for me was hanging stupidly in my left ear.

Female singer sang a song beautifully in Italian. I rushed to the restroom, took a leak and realized my breath stink, and looked at the shaving mirror, I saw my real beauty: Hellish hair stood up and messed up expression. Walked back to my room, turned off the TV and sat there on the edge of the bed. I took off my shirt...then decided to sleep naked and kickedthe sheet and pillows to the floor.

Then I had another gross nightmare that woke me up at seven. This time, I stood up and rushed to take a long cold shower. Green asked me to help him taking the toilet and shower stuffs to the new house early in the morning. "7.30 will be perfect," he said.

I made the bed, the curtain were opened since a few days ago so I dont bother to do anything else. I laid back again and absorbed the silence of the morning, smelled my clean fresh body and stared at the door, then my cell screamed out the text message ringtone.
I opened it and saw a picture of a mug with text says drink up for a good day. I deleted it and sat, then it rang. Twice. I knew who it was. My die-hard darn stalker. I replied saying thanks and stop bugging me. She writes back the same annoying message, "I can do whatever I'd like to do, no matter what you call me. You should've thanked me. I love you no matter what, bro."

My hands were shaky from anger. I wanted to break something but I know I fool myself if I do so. I took a deep breath and dialed the number. It tooka while for her to gain the courage to pick up my call. I could hear background voices, distinct chatters behind her.

"Tika. Tika." She didnt answer right away. She cleared her throat and gave me her cheerful tone, "Hi..hi bro!"

"Can I ask you something?" Silent.

"Yeah, sure..."

"Listen. Stop the fucking phone calls and the goddamn text messages. Will you?!"

She said yes and spoke in alien language before I hang up. Then she texted me "THANK YOU."

After taking the toilet and shower stuffs to the new house, Green and I headed for the CableTV office and paid the bills. Now I'm on my way to Ellie's.

This is gonna be a nice weekend...amen for that

moving

My gawd, I hate packing up!
The handy tool guy is still at the house taking care of the pipes and toilets and stuffs and Al was packing his stuffs in his bedroom.

He handed me a big plastic box, "Please pack Hotman's clothes." Hotman left way too much of his belongings at the house and cannot make it to come and keep them to his sister's.

Moving time is coming closer...

Scrapbook

I ask myself that question in every stop I make...I look at the very crowd next to me and hear them voices overrating what love means...how i define love is changing constantly...confusing because it is an on-going feelings that has always seemed so french to me

Sex?
What my brown eyes really see in sex is nothing more but a thrust and a moan of indescribable temporary pleasure that i may beg for more...yet it's failed to represent what I've been looking for.

I watched a woman was in labor today. Her screams and her marriage, and her life ahead of her...is that love in complicated form? I'm not into that scheme..never...i've broken the pattern of life that has been set for me..I've killed thousands of hopes people have put on me but i am not feel about about it because i dont find myself as a criminal for being who i really am...i am as innocent as your own claim...i've stopped run for answers and have given up with so-called confrontations for being gay.

What am i looking for?
Can i be more real to myself? I'm tyring to...i am not overobsessed with love and lifetime companionship...I keep the hopes within me but am not gonna whoring myself for a quick orgasm and superficial romance that most of them have to offer.

What I assumed as my first love gone..with a weak smile...it could've worked out fine...it left me a beautiful wound and a super warm friendship i hope will last forever...it makes me open up more to life and possibilities and take life easier.

What My Heart Wants to Say

Sometimes...we depend on other people as a mirror...to define us and tell us who we are...and each reflection makes me like myself a little more.

En La Cama...Una Peculia de Matias Bize

We are not knowing each other...we are not dating...we are not going anywhere...we came here...I don't know why, but we did...we had a good time...now we will leave...you were a break before the rest of my life...and I was the adventure before your trip...we were nothing...and we'll never be...so stop asking if I'm happy...that is really none of your business...

Get Me Bodied

Yes, folks.
This is the day Two of my work out plans.
I did push ups, sit ups, jumping as if I was on a Rock show, heads thrown back and forth, hands to all directions. It's such a relief none of you can see me and make fun of it.
After my first day which consisted of tens of push up, sit up, and other simple combinations and moves; my body screams from pain, from the sweat I'd never accustomed to it. I woke up this morning and my forearms ache a bit.

Me: "Can I use what-you-call-it small round thingy?"

Green: "Eh, you what?"

Me: "yes, I wanna start living healthy. Or something. Whatev."

I once teased him using that wheel-like stuff,"Oh dude, what a lame exercise tool"

I held it in my right hand, "how to use this?" I asked myself, I already took off my shirt for whatever reason I had no idea about. Maybe I was just too absorbed those Gym men on Tv showing off their bods. Not that I had never seen Green used it.

I hold it with both of my hands, on my knees, and my head hit the carpet so fast. I gave up on that goddamn thing and did my sit up and all.

I played the dance music, just to make the perfect scene.
No, it would be perrrfect if there's crowd! impossible. hehehe

So, yeah, I'm embracing a healthier lifestyle. Yay!!

Lemme Love You

This is What My Heart Wants to Say

I stared at my cell phone for the first time but I knew who would Stalking me this late, her. She studies at that Theologian college in the city.

"Why religious people are more offensive?" I wondered. What a niece I got, a hell of a bitch.

It rang again. I let it shaking frantically on the nite stand, waited till it ended, then put on the Silent mode. She texted me. I deleted them before my eyes could skim them.

Now i'm thinking of changing my number again. Another sacrifice for such not so blind item.
Well, she'll get it then from my mother or anyone else...

What Time Is it Now in Florida?

I waited...waited...and still waiting.....I do the waiting...hoping this won't take till the morning comes while I'm fighting my drowsiness and sleepiness..people came and gone but dont see ya till now...we need to talk...i want to comfort you...assure you things are gonna be fine...that you are stronger than you know.

It's 2.10 in the morning now...and i am still waiting to talk to you....You'll make it thru, this i know...you know where to find me.

But i will keep on waiting...waiting till you dont show up at six in the morning when i might be at the edge of drowsiness...

I'm waiting....

You're so Gay!

You're so gay if your profile picture:

• Shows a dog or a cat or flower
• shows yourself holding a glass of wine to my face
• shows yourself with a girl--no matter how intimate you look
• shows yourself with your dog, not necessarily locked in kiss
• shows yourself holding hand with another man or trapped in groups of men laughing
• shows nothing but your facial hair
  

Love Is Here

Come to the waters, you who thirst and you'll thirst no more.
Come to the father, you who work and you'll work no more.
And all you who labor in vain and to the broken and shamed:

Love is here.
Love is now.
Love is pouring from
His hands, from his brows.
Love is near, it satisfies.
Streams of mercy flowing from his side.
Cuz love is here.

Come to the treasure, you who search and you'll search no more.
Come to the lover you who want and you'll want no more, no.
And all you who labor in vain and to the broken and shamed,

Yeah:

Love is here.
Love is now.
Love is pouring from his hands, from his brows.
Love is near, it satisfies.
Streams of mercy flowing from his side.

Yeah

And to the bruised and fallen,
Captives, bound, and broken hearted.

He is the lord
He is the lord,
Yeah

By his stripes he's paid our ransom
From his wounds we drink salvation

He is the lord
He is the lord

Love is here.
Love is now.
Love is pouring from his hands, from his brows.
Love is near,
It satisfies.
Streams of mercy flowing from his side.
Streams of mercy flowing from his side.
Cuz love is here
Love is here.

I can feel you

When things gone awry on the other end of the world in someone's life..someone you care so much...a friend or a lover or a chatmate or a sister or a brother or even a complete stranger...it hurts you can do nothing much but spread your arms wide open and embrace him/her with overwhelming love and passion...send him/her the best wishes and saying Amen with all of your heart, religiously, for a better outcomes in their lives.

A few super short updates--because I'm extremely not into writing much at the moment:

• We've been doing home hunting in the last couple of days yet no good result so far
• I hadn't lift up weights or any sports in the last few decades
• I need to get a haircut soon
• Camping soon!
• Rain sucks
• I miss MJ
• Servaas is coming to town soon
• My niece is keep on sending text asking me to praise the Lord with all my heart, 24/7.She thinks I'm lost. So lost.
• Ied Fitri week long holiday kicked off from tomorrow
• A third degree friend is in town at the moment
• I have been meaning to put the bed covers, sheets, and all into the washing machine
• I want to gain more weight, if not muscles
• I no longer have Cable TV
• I'm planning to see my family this Oct for a couple of days
• I'm into Opera Music, Contemporary AC, and Hard ROck music at the moment
• ....I'm feeling good above all.
  
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Parlez-vous Francais?

My French DIY lesson is having a set back. I never spend some time to review what I thought I memorized well.1 to 10 and Sun to Sat still sound so Chinese and my mouth sometimes fail to pronounce them correctly..."Plus tard!" I told myself and end up 0nly know saying, "Moi, Troi, cesoir."

10 Steps to Learn French on Your iPod CD room Hotman gave me last August,a gift from Loui is disappointingly abandoned at top of my books on my study table, " I dont have iPod nor computer at home," I comforted myself with such lame ass excuse.

FYI: My passion for French is closer to mine for great sex.
Is that why my attempt of getting new French-speaking White men I happen to see or meet or pass at the Sun never succeed? They might either think I'm a rapist or a money boy. Hahaha for that.

Now that you know I am shamlessly desperate for help, do something good about it. Any help will be appreciated and any info of expat who lives and works in Medan will be a great help. You know how to reach me: beaulife@rocketmail.com
I'm not asking for spam email, OK? LOL

I'm what you called a laid back learner, a nicer name for extremely lazy learner.